Things my mom never told me

psychologistmimi

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A long, long time ago I used the restroom in the Port Authority Station in New York city and I left traumatized. I was not traumatized because it was filthy or that I thought I saw a rat as big as my feet. I was not traumatized because the woman in the stall next door appeared to passed out.
I was traumatized because I heard a mother yell at her four year old boy that he would never amount to anything (I’m actually cleaning the verbiage up). She smacked him and his eyes left me breathless with sadness. I remember this as if it were yesterday. But I was quite young and still scared as to what my place in the world was.

I left that restroom despondent. How could the future survive? I thought about my mother in that moment. I hadn’t lived with her in a while. I…

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A hole in my chest

I am me.

  •  Born March12, 1962
  • the 6th of Six. the Trailer, or better known as Oops! 
  •  Creative imagination, I had many wonderful journey’s in my quiet times of my times of being alone and by myself.
  •  Because of the age gap of myself from my older siblings, I never really got to know who they really are? Their feelings, likes, beliefs? #5 of6 I was Alway’s on alert near him, I never knew what he would do to me, I felt vulnerable, so no trust for him. He was abusive, physically, emotionally, spiritually heart breaking! Brown nosed tattle tail, waiting for me to fail, do something wrong, watching me, and on our Sunday meals, he would announce my deed of embarrassment.
  •  After we moved from Crookston, MN. I grew up in a community in Duluth MN, designed and created by J.P. Morgan, many immigrant’s. Houses were set up for the nicest homes for the higher ups are on the corners of each block.
  •  A community for USS Steel plant and a cement plant to build the house’s. 
  •  My dad continued to work in Crookston, drive home on Friday night’s after a week of work as a semi- truck driver, drive 5 hours home. Drive back Sunday afternoons. So didn’t know him very well either. So when kids would brag about their dad’s, I had nothing to say.
  • My Mom. I have so many emotional thoughts for her, she wasn’t a MaMa that I needed at a young age, I never really knew what she wanted out of me, I was aware of her, in my presence, majority of my time! Every now and then she would be standing behind me, I was unaware, yikes! Yep, caught, the knuckles to the top of my head, that was a thud of pain, “Ya Dumb Cluck”! She was scarey like that. 
  • Bette Jean. born May of 1931, Gemini, I’d. Her mother was born in South Dakota, adopted by a Norwegian couple, raised in Crookston. Florence suffered with severe depression. She got pregnant with my mom as a single woman in 1930, from a married man, who denied his involvement in the matter, so she delivered my mom down in Minneapolis, I think that was intention of giving up my mom for adoption, but kept her anyway. ???
  •  We moved to Duluth because my mom was hired by Avon, she was a sales manager, hiring women to sell Avon products in N.W Wisconsin. Her driving route was extremely large. Her office was in our home’s in the basements. So even when she was home she really wasn’t. I learned young, do not disturb, ” Working Woman” it’s like waking a crabby bear! And not the MaMa Bear who are protective. sad.
  •  My mom was often gone from home. Often she would leave on Tuesday morning and return on Thursday late afternoon or early evening. 
  •  This is part of my reason for being a picky eater. I made my own meals, bowls of cereal, sandwiches, nothing spectacular.We called it, “Make it Yourself” I preferred this to interrupting her. I learned at a very young age to wake up and be very quiet, I’d turn the tv on, wait for it to warm up, volume as low as possible to hear, face was close to the screen, sometimes I would stare at the test screen, waiting for the local tv stations to come on the air! Eating a bowl of cereal, I’d sit at a slight angle so I could see a movement, so I’d know when somebody else was awake. Saturdays and Sunday morning cartoons! I would remain silent hoping not to wake them! I would sneak out to go and play. Boy! My mom could haller, I and everyone else could hear her! Head hung, embarrassed start walking home, nervous, what mom would be present? I would wish and hope, PLEASE, just let it be that they were going to go shopping or something like that, once in awhile it was that! 
  •  To be continued! 
  •  A story about expressing my emotional feelings, to expose, we are not stupid, lazy or ignorant! Often treated as such. So I am a Survivor! Observant, shy with very low self-esteem, often hurt by people’s lack of integrity.